Anxiety and your Love Language

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Having a Mental Health Disorder can easily leave you feeling alone, worthless, misunderstood or simply impossible to understand or please. I’ve been there. When your brain is rioting inside you and your Anxiety is through the roof, finding a way to make sense of yourself while around other people is one of the toughest tasks on earth.

You know you don’t feel good, you know that your reactions might not be helping your loved ones to understand you, but there’s always that feeling that somehow, someway, there is an avenue you can travel down that will allow the people you love to see you, hear you, validate you and allow you to love them in return and to the best of your ability.

It’s intentional and takes effort, but at the end of the day- that’s what all relationships are. So why not go about loving others, and letting them love you in a way that we’re all hardwired to appreciate?

Enter the Five Love Languages.

The Five Love Languages

Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages back in 1992 and since then millions have read this best-selling book that can be applied to both individuals or couples. In it are an explanation of the five love languages as well as exercises to help you learn more about yourself or your partner. If you’re looking for a more in-depth exploration of the love languages, you may want to check out this book.

But if you’re feeling a little more overwhelmed, and would prefer to take a quiz (who doesn’t?) there’s also one at 5lovelanguages.com that is free to take if you’re unsure of what your main love language, or that of a loved one, might be.

There is some debate if the Five Love Languages are the be all, end all, and I’ll let you decide what you think of them. But for someone who’s given them a try, it’s nice to know that different things really do work differently on different people. And that’s okay. It just takes a little more intentionality to discover the right language to reach out to your closest friends or family with, or how to make sure, especially if you’re dealing with Anxiety, how the people around you can love and support you best.

Words of Affirmation

If you have Anxiety, so much of the world you live in exists in your mind. Your worries, fears, catastrophizing, and coping mechanisms all originate with you. With all of those mixed messages, sometimes it takes a little extra effort to break through the noise. Having Words of Affirmation as a love language when you’re dealing with Anxiety might be one of the more tangible ways for a loved one to support you.

How good would it feel to have someone you care about come to you and remind you how strong you are? How much they admire you for the effort you put into battling your Anxiety and pushing forward each and every day? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to give your loved ones some phrases to help remind you of the special human being that you both are?

I know that with Mental Health Disorders, sometimes it can be tricky to find creative ways to express yourself, especially when you’re dealing with severe anxiety, so here are a few examples I’ve come up with for you to give to your loved ones who may be looking for helpful words to speak to you, especially on a difficult day. (Or maybe these are just things you need to read right now, to remind yourself of how valuable you are.)

You are not broken, you are rebuilding and getting stronger every day.
Your struggle is real, but that doesn’t mean it’s winning. You’ve got this.
You can do this. You’re stronger than you realize.
You are special.
You deserve healing.
You have people who care about you.
There are other people who are walking this road, too, and they see you.
You are allowed to have down days.
You deserve good days.
You are worthy of rest.
You are loving and kind.
You can do this, and I’ll be right here to support you to the best of my ability.

This isn’t an exhaustive list, and some of the examples may not translate for a loved one who doesn’t struggle with a mental health disorder, but it gives you an idea of what to share with loved ones who are struggling to find the words to help you. If you have a LO with a Words of Affirmation Love language, it may be good to find out what struggles they have that could use spoken words to breathe encouragement into them, or just reminders they need about themselves. Also, take some time to observe their strengths and praise them for their efforts.

We could all use a little more recognition for what we are trying to accomplish, no matter where we’re at in our journey. Receiving and giving regular Words of Affirmation to the people around us may be that building step to lift each other up and fill each other’s cups with love.

Acts of Service

On ‘down’ days with my Anxiety, I literally just can’t. I can’t go out and buy groceries. I can’t engage with other people. I can’t make a necessary phone call. I just simply can’t.

If you’ve dealt with Anxiety, I’m sure you know exactly what I mean. There are days where you can cope and push yourself to do things that would normally up your anxiety levels. Then there are days where it feels like it is sitting on your back, vice-gripping your throat and legs and making it impossible to just breathe, let alone do any of the regular necessary things.

That may be when an Act of Service becomes especially meaningful.

What type of Anxiety Disorder do you struggle with? What are the things that tend to fall off your to-do list on your ‘down’ days, or even regular days? Is there a way for someone you love and trust to either help do these things for you, or (as it’s better for your recovery) help you to do the thing(s) that are pushing your Anxiety out of the scope of manageable? Having someone come alongside you to help you accomplish triggering tasks may be the ultimate act of love that reminds you of how much you are valued.

Don’t be afraid to ask. Whether it’s groceries, a phone call, handling a situation that involves a phobia or triggers you beyond what you can manage on your own. It’s okay. Everyone has struggles and you are no less valuable for sharing yours and asking for necessary help.

Your vulnerability may not only facilitate the help you need, but also encourage your loved ones to open up about their struggles. People can only give what they can give, but we’re also capable of sharing the load, and the more we share, and normalize the sharing, the less stressful it is to admit we need help. So ask for help, and offer it when you can. Be the brave one to admit that you need other people just as much as they need you.

Receiving or Giving Gifts

Gift giving can be one of the more stressful aspects surrounding holidays, birthdays, etc. You always want to make sure that what you’re giving is something they’ll like or appreciate, keep it within a budget you can manage, or that’s appropriate for your relationship. It can feel like there are a lot of rules or considerations to be made around gift-giving. At least, that’s what it feels like to me.

If you struggle with Anxiety, and your closest people have a hard time understanding your struggles, they may also struggle to find that ‘just right’ gift. Now may be a great time to open up and share what types of gifts you appreciate with your loved ones if you think they’re looking for you.

Or, if you are looking to bless someone you care about with a gift, then maybe asking more exact questions about what they might appreciate most as a gift could be a good way to recognize this particular love language. Communication is at the heart of every relationship, and gifts are a reflection of the current level of understanding within your relationship.

Whether the gift is small or big, if you have someone in your life who appreciates gifts as a reminder that they’re loved, taking time to ensure the heart of the gift is appreciation and recognition may be a good guide to keep in mind.

If you’re the one who loves getting gifts, don’t play mysterious, especially if you struggle with Anxiety. It’s okay for you to be open, especially if someone you care about is openly asking for gift ideas. It may even be a good time to ask for something that would help you manage your anxiety, like:

Journals
Grocery delivery services (especially for those with social anxiety or agoraphobia)
Prepaid therapy
Aromatherapy goods
Prepaid massages (for those struggling with chronic pain)
Adaptogenic drinks (a great replacement for alcohol)
Stress balls
Homemade coupons for Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation cards

Quality Time

We all need to spend time with people we care about, not only so we have a chance to express our love for others, but so that they have a chance to return it to us. On top of that, quality time with loved ones lowers your stress levels, which will only help you to manage your anxiety in a healthier way. Maybe you’ll even learn more about the struggles your loved ones are having and it can give you a chance to emotionally support them as well.

Also- don’t forget to spend quality time with yourself. Some people with High Functioning Anxiety might be tempted to spend too much time ‘doing things’. Others with Separation Anxiety might fear being alone. Whatever your struggles look like, don’t forget to spend quality time with yourself and get to know you better, because more than anyone else in this world, you will spend the most time with – you!

So don’t avoid yourself. Take time to appreciate who you are, and what you have overcome. Give yourself some words of affirmation, the permission to rest, maybe a little treat- whatever form that takes- could be a good way to reconnect with who you are and what you need.

Physical Touch

Scientific studies have shown that our stress levels lower with regular cuddling and that it can also kill off depression. (How cool is that?) While Anxiety and Depression are two different disorders, they can sometimes go hand in hand, making your anxiety even more difficult to manage. So if you’re noticing this extra layer of struggle in yourself, reach out (pun intended) to a loved one and ask for a little cuddle time. And if you’re looking for a little distraction therapy, maybe add in a funny movie into the mix!

For anyone whose dealt with trauma surrounding physical touch, this may be a trickier area to navigate. But before you give up, try to think about how you can engage in physical touch in a way that is meaningful, but healthy for you. Also, who you cuddle with may be a key to developing a positive association with physical touch and love. If it’s possible for you, a pet (therapy trained or not) could be a step worth considering if you’re not currently in a place to experience stress reduction, or fulfillment through cuddling or holding hands with another person.

Whatever works best for you, now is a great time to start! Don’t be afraid to keep trying, and being mindful of times or ways that physical touch is easier for you.

Conclusion

We all have needs and ways that love is best communicated to us. What methods mean the most to you may change in our different seasons of life, but it’s important to maintain as many healthy relationships as possible, especially if you struggle with Anxiety. Learning to give and receive words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service or even physical gifts is essential to achieving the healthiest form of you!

May God Bless and Keep You.